(UPDATE: About a week after the new completed version of this article was uploaded releasing names, “someone” attempted to hack our website twice. (This has never happened before) Once by trying to get an access code of which I received and an email alert.
On another occassion I reveived an email telling me someone requested a password change for the website. Someone also attempted to hack into my personal email address. These occurances were about 3 days apart. After I sent an email to a specific party, those attempts seemed to have stopped.)
Knowing Ariela Reder
A True Story
Before reading this, I’ll state very clearly, my advice, if you ever run across Ariela Reder, Tamar Reder or Galia Becker, run as fast as you can and never look back.
Let me start by saying this article is not about getting back at anyone. It is a true, first hand account of what I consider horror. Knowing Ariela Reder and being involved with her family was the most degrading and humiliating experience I have ever had. I wrote this because of one main reason, Reder told all of her friends and family I walked out on my son. This is the biggest lie known to man and the record must be set straight.
I thought long and hard before putting fingers to the keyboard about this. I spoke to several people seeking they’re opinion and advice. At the end I realized in order for me to heal, move forward, regain my life and get the only closure I will ever be privy to, I needed to pen this as my attempt to achieve that closure. No matter the fallout, this had to be written. There is so much I will never know, so much hidden from me, so much secrecy. This was the most emotionally and mentally abusive relationship I have ever been in. Something had to be said and written about the experience.
If writing this story can save just one father from going through what I did or it causes just one spouse to think before they do something like what I experienced to the father or mother of thier child, then this project was completely worth it.
Unfortunately this is now part of me, part of MY life and always will be. It is part of my fabric, my DNA and I must learn to not just try to understand it but live with it forever. This has helped me do just that.
This project was also a huge undertaking. Not just with preparation and planning but also having to relive the experiences, the anger, the pain, the hurt, the butterflies, the lies and frustrations. In reality, typing it was easy but the emotion that was involved throughout, was difficult. A few of the segments were slowed to only typing a paragraph per day because it was just so tough to relive.
There are probably a few typos, which are intentional as once I wrote some of the content, I could not re-read it to fix the spelling errors, it was just too difficult. By writing this, I now get to walk away from it, in one piece and move forward with my life, at least for the next 15 years. But I wanted it all down while it was still fresh in my mind so that one day, my son would know the facts and truth to a life experience that was so far beyond the realm of any normal human understanding. This tragic event is now part of my story and it was life altering.
I am by no means painting myself a saint, I never will and never have as I could never achieve sainthood. My 20’s were nothing more than an exercise in pour judgement. I am just an average guy, from a farm who dropped out of college, that went through a traumatizing event. I am simply telling a story, a sad one as it happened with facts and events as they happened, nothing more and nothing less. Maybe the reader will get to the end of this story and say its all my fault, I don’t know and if you do, I understand. This story was never to place blame but to empty the memory and the weight of having to carry this event in my life.
There are very personal things that Ariela Reder shared with me that I gave my word I would never speak about, things in confidence and I will not break my word. Those very private secrets are safe with me and will always be safe with me. I will take them to my grave. I will not speak of them in this Op/Ed or to anyone. But at the same time, this will be direct and honest and closure for me.
This Op/Ed will be live on the internet until E-Man’s 18th birthday. At that time, he can tell me what he would like to do with it.
All of this was so unecessary. A piece of me was taken that I will never get back from knowing the Reder family. The Reder’s took my dignity and self respect for a long time and getting it back has been the toughest struggle of my life. They made me feel inhuman, like trash. Knowing Ariela Reder and her family was the most humiliating, degrading and belittling experience I have ever had.
I have something on my side that it may be hard for Ariela and Tamar Reder to realize, the truth. I still believe that matters in life and I still believe it matters to others. In fact, I believe in it so much that I am willing to tell it, even if that means in a lawsuit, to 12 jurors. You can only manipulate the facts so much before people see through it. As my grandmother once told me, you can fool some of the people some of the time but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. And if you did not want others to know how horribe you and your family treated another human being, maybe you guys shouldn’t of done it?
To My Son, E-Man
To my son, E-man, I want you to know that I miss you every single second of everyday day of my life. Knowing you and spending almost everyday with you made me realize how truly amazing and rewarding being a father is. I fell in love the second your head came in view. There could never be a more perfect child. I want you to know that just because we are apart does not mean that I am not here. I am and will always be here, waiting to see you again. But if you find yourself ever missing me or wondering about me or who I am, just look at your shadow, thats actually me standing next to you.
None of this was ever your fault and do not ever blame yourself for it. Please know that I fought the best fight I could and I lost. And I am sorry for that, there was nothing more I could do, please believe I tried and I wish more than anything in this world that things did not turn out the way they did. You are an amazing child and you will do well, I know this, you are my son. But don’t fret, we will see each other again. When you are 18, I will contact you and it will be our turn to explore life together.
There will probably be a time in the near future where your mom wants someone else to adopt you because that is just who she is now. I want you to know, I am so sorry for that. I wish so much I could fix what’s broken. But this time, dad cannot. These words are all I can offer you. But I promise you, the love and connection between a father and a son is unbreakable.
There are moments you and I will never share. Cub scouts and boy scouts, baseball, meeting your prom date, taking you hiking and camping, our first fishing trip, your first karate and boxing classes, taking you to the gym for the first time, building things together, meeting Santa, taking you trick or treating, taking you to your first professional baseball game, teaching you piano and showing you a world full of wonder and excitement and mentoring you through the tough times in your young life. This brings tears to my eyes almost daily. But know that as much as I will miss these moments, I hope you have all of them and you cherish them as I did with my own father.
I would like to pass a few things on to you that I have learned in my 40 plus years on the planet through my own journey and trials that I have faced. Some knowledge that I have picked up, other knowledge that slapped me in the face, as it will you too. None of us are immune. I hope you take these things to heart in your own journey until we meet again. I too am still growing and learning but I feel these tips may one day, help you navigate this thing we call life.
First and very important, never ever look down on someone else unless your helping them up. Never forget where you come from, no matter what, it shapes your character. Your mom and I both left home very young to see what the world had to offer us. I left a small farm in my early 20’s and moved to the biggest city in the United States, a foreign land called Brooklyn, NY because I felt if I did not, I may miss something. I felt the world had more to offer me. It was the best decission I ever made. I was the only one in my family to ever do so. I am a different person today because I did so. Your mom left Isreal near the same age and came to the US becuase I believe she too felt the same. She was also the only one in her family to do so. Never be afraid to spread your wings. When you do, you will be suprised at how much air you catch.
Never be a smug asshole, real people do not like that. There will be times where you just cannot figure life out and that is okay, in time you will. It comes with age and experience. If you listen closely to people, they will tell you exactly who they are. Never lie about others, in the end it will backfire. Stay away from gossip and gossipers, no one really likes them, they tolerate them. Never EVER mistake education with intelligence. It’s always okay to disagree but make sure you disagree intelligently, know your facts, never base arguments or decisions on headlines. You will find when you dig a little deeper, the headlines are nothing more than a way to bait you and breed ignorance. Never judge people or choose friends based on political, religious or social beliefs. Just because your’s may be different doesn’t mean your smarter or better than them because your not. Never act that way, it’s called snobbery, it’s frowned upon, I promise you. In fact, by not listening to others views, opinions and beliefs, you will never grow as a person, just flounder about in life. And NEVER trust a man that doesn’t wear a watch, time is the most important advantage you have in life.
Always do your best to be honest, even when the consequences are not to your liking, in the long run, you will be glad you did. Never compromise your character and integrity, its all you have in this life and people will remember not all of the great things you did but they will remember the one wrong thing you did. You will never be perfect and that’s okay, just be a good person and the rest will care for itself. Remember, we all make mistakes, its how you correct them that really shows who you are as an individual. You have to own you’re mistakes, you have to try to correct them but more important, you also have to learn how to move on from them. Mistakes can be forgiven as long as you work hard to fix them. Never do anything you won’t be able to sleep with at night, if you do your life will not be restful.
There will be moments in your life where you are truly scared, believe me, I have been there many times. It’s not a question of not being a man, it’s showing you are aware of the consequences of your actions, so take those moments seriously as the end result could effect the rest of your life or the life or the life or death of others. Although you will look back at 40 and say I wish I would of done this or that, you want to be sure that when you do that years from now, and you will, it will not be because your actions hurt another person.
Always open the door for the person behind you, it shows good manners. Always walk between the road and your date, apparently it’s our job as men to hit by the car first. Its okay if some people do not like you, chances are you don’t want them to anyway. Remember, your friends are your friends because you are alike. If being a good person means that you don’t have a zillion friends, good for you. You become who you hang out with. You know how to tell a true friend? It’s simple. See if they ever disagree with you. If they do it means they care about you and they are listening, your not always going to be right and your decisions won’t always be right either, that’s why you have friends, to tell you when you are wrong.
Never ever make an important decision without knowing all the facts and never give advice to someone facing an important decision without knowing all of the facts. In fact, your best bet, just do not give advice, it will save you’re hair. Your friends trust you, don’t ever let them down because you may never get them back. But also remember that people would rather stop speaking to you then admit that they are wrong. Let them, those are called “fake people”. Those people can’t even be honest with themselves, let alone society. Distance yourself from those people, they are toxic. But ALWAYS be there for true friends in need, they count on you just like you count on them. Ture friends are you’re greatest asset, they will be there for you when you need them as long as you are there when they need you.
But the most important thing you need to remember above all else, NEVER let anyone tell you baseball isn’t the best sport on the planet, you don’t need that type of negativity in your life. Go to every game you can, play it, watch it, listen to it and cherish it. Baseball will teach you so much about life, like when you hit a ball or hit a homerun. Or you get drafted or strike out. Sometimes life is so good you slide right home and score. I cannot tell you how many times I have been able to figure problems in life out sitting on the bleachers at a ballpark surrounded with screamimg fans.
It may sound wierd but the next time your having a tough day or need to make a tough decision, just go to ballgame. I cannot explain why, it just works. And because you are my son, I am assuming this little trick will work for you. Baseball is so much more than a sport, it’s therapy. Just remember son, I love you with everything that I am and I will miss you so much over the coming years, until we meet again.
Embrace history, learn about it, study it, make understanding it a big part of your life. George Santayana once said, “those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it”. Although I think this is a great quote, I do not completely agree with it. I think that without history nothing else would exist, nothing. So therefor, nothing else but history matters. By understanding the history of things, you can get a much better understanding of what to expect in the future.
I am severely ADHD so I am assuming you will be too. And that is okay. I promise, if you used wisely it puts you in a better place than anyone else. Having ADHD is one of the biggest advantages you will have over others, it is not a negative, it is a huge positive. You will find that your energy will outlast anyone. So, as you move forward in life use that. If you need to sleep, just go walking. I do it and it works great, not to mention all of the wonderful things you get to see and explore and learn while doing so. I have found that people watching is probably the most fascinating on my own walks. So, next time you feel restless, just go for a walk, a long one. Or, another trick, try reading for awhile.
I think one of my fondest memories of you was when I dragged home that huge refrigerator box from 7 blocks away and transformed it into “E-Mans Taco Hut” complete with a working door, window, food menu, wifi and screen. Man, you would just sit in that contraption, hold your sippy cup out of the window and ask for more milk. It was adorable.
Another funny memory was of you when you first born. I was home alone with you and you had the worse cold. I could of sworn you were having trouble breathing, so I rushed you to Childrens Hospital in Washington, DC. And of course I overreacted. Come to find out, you were just congested. So they showed me how to use some little pump thing and sent us home. I bet the entire nursing staff got a kick out of our visit for months.
I bet you do not know this buddy, but I have thousands of photos of you and I. Have had them printed into a book to hold onto until we meet again. Maybe they woud be a great birthday gift to you one day.
Son, your life is your own personal journey. It is the greatest gift two humans can bestow upon another human. It was a combined gift from myself and your mother. I cannot live it for you and your mother cannot live it for you. You have to live it but you only get one, so live it well and live it to the fullest. Never except no or believe it can’t be done because whomever is telling you that will never get very far in life. You are a very attractive young man. You are super intelligent because you are my son. You were born in the greatest country ever made to upper middle class people.
You have so much going for you and your life has not even started yet. So use these gifts to your advantage. Minimize your mistakes and maximize your talent, you have alot of it already, you just have to find it and realize it. You are a very special boy. Don’t be weak minded buddy and don’t look back at tomorrow’s yesterday and wish you would of done something different.
IN THE BEGINNING
Reder and I met like many others, on Tinder. We both had busy lives, like a lot of people and it worked. She was very attractive, had very sexy accent, intelligent and could build a great conversation on a wide range of topics and current events. There was about a 5 year age gap, her being older but that did not really bother me.
The relationship moved fast, we began to see each almost everyday only after a few weeks of dating. I would like to think that at one time, we really were in love with each other. I want to believe that is why we brought a child into this world together, out of that love and nothing else. But I am no longer sure about that. But we fell in love fast or at least, heavy infatuation. We went everywhere together. We would travel to small towns to go exploring almost every weekend. We would go to farm stands, hole in the wall restuarants and so many other places. We were constantly laughing and joking. We met each other’s parents and friends, etc. by all standards, it was an amazing start to a relationship. We were both very open and honest with each other about past mistakes (or I thought) and what we both wanted for our futures.
She expressed very openly that she wanted a child very early on in the relationship, within weeks of starting to date. It was no secret she really wanted a child. I wasn’t completely against it. I had a child from a previous relationship that was a teenager and I had never had much of a relationship with him. It had been something I have always regretted. We were both older and I thought giving it one more try with someone who wanted a child and who seemed mature and responsible would be a great idea. I really wanted to be a father and I knew I would be a great one. I thought maybe eight months, or a year from then, we could really talk serious about it.
Looking back, I should have seen the red flag. When she talked about having a child, the conversation never really went into with who, just that she wanted a child. I did say something once and she immediately spoke up telling me that she did want a child and wanted it with me. But, that was a huge red flag I missed. I think I missed it because I simply wanted to. In fact, the day this conversation occured we were walking over a bridge next to the train station in a major city. I remember it like it was yesterday. Reder was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Within a month, Reder was pregnant and I had not expected that. It was fast, very fast. But the bottom line was that I cared very much for her, she was pregnant, was keeping it, so we were having a baby! I remember when she came to my apartment to tell me. She walked in, sat at my dining room table and just blurted it out while looking down at my table. Reder looks down alot when she is either not being honest or has something difficult to say. It’s just a trait of hers I have always noticed, not really good or bad but a great way to read her is always by her demeanor.
She asked me to move in with her. I contacted my landlord and broke my lease. She wanted to stay in her apartment, not move into mine. So, to make her happy, I made the adjustment. The announcement went out to friends and family. I moved in.
When I first moved in we had a fight. It was the first, and last for over two years but it should have also been a red flag. One I clearly missed. The fight was in the bathroom after a shower. I had mentioned That I still spoke to my ex on occassion. We would speak on the phone every couple of weeks and even grab lunch every few months. We were still good friends, we had simply grown apart after 7 years together.
It was like a light switch flipped. I had never seen anything like it. She immediately became a different person. She flew off the handle, walking back and forth from the bathroom to the living room screaming and acting lithargic. She snapped. I forgot what she exactly said to me but she was not happy that I still spoke to my ex. However, I soon discovered that she had an ex she still spoke too, Andy. In fact she spoke to him way more often, several time a week and would go to NYC to see him and have lunch or dinner with him as well. Even after E-man was born he would call up to 1 or 2 in the morning drunk and talk to Reder.
It took a year of being together and our son being born for me to finally say something about it. My contact with my ex had ended a few months after Reder and I started dating, yet her and Andy’s continues even to this day, years later. I guess looking back, what was good for the goose, wasn’t good for the gander. He would call drunk as a skunk in the early hours of the morning while our newborn son was asleep in the crib next to our bed. When I finally said something to Reder, she did address it but it took me actually having to say some for her to do it. She must of thought it was not a big deal. In fact, she tried to excuse it away, that is how I know he was drunk, she told me.
This was the only time I witnessed first hand her jealous side. There was never an event like that again. I really just chalked it up as an anomally, we talked about to, she apologized and we moved on. We would stay in her apartment for about 6 months before renting a larger apartment together, with two bedrooms, in a more family oriented and safer part of the city.
I even met Reders mom, dad, brother and sister. I thought the world of her father and I still do. Such a great guy. A very caring, down to earth and open man. It was always a pleasure being able to see and speak with him. I thought her sister was very snobby but I was always polite to everyone in her family. Not once was I ever rude. Her brother seemed like a good guy although we never really spoke much. Her mother at first seemed very nice as well. As I later found out, that was nothing more than a mask hiding what I feel was pure evil.
From day one of the pregnancy I was an involved father. There was not one doctors appoinment I missed, no matter what schedule change it took to be there, I was there, every step of the way, I missed nothing. I also knew Reder was nervous and I wanted her to know that I was there, right next to her and what ever happened, I was on team Reder. There was never a time when Reder was sitting at the doctors office that she could not look to her right or left and I was not there. This continued well into E-Man’s first two years of life, until Mrs. Crazy showed up carrying her suitcase for three months.
I was involved in all of the discussions, decisions and test. There was concern over her age and being a high risk pregnancy. Apparently its called a geriatric pregnancy which I got a huge kick out of. So yes, there was some fun teasing with it. In fact, I remember taking a tour of the hospital with her. We were late becuase we had stopped by Starbucks. When we entered the conference room filled with people, we sat down and Reder spilled her coffee all over the floor. Everybody starred, it was so embarrassing but we just laughed and slowely watch the coffee almost make it to the guys shoe sitting next to us over the next 30 minutes.
Reder did not want a baby shower because she felt she did not have any friends that would show up, but I insisted. I felt it was extremely important as part of the celebration of having a baby. In the end, she had 3 friends show up and I had a friend of mine also come. Her friends Tom and his husband Jeff did a great job with party from start to finish and we got all types of cool free stuff.
I will never forget the night Reder went into labor. It was a few days early and I was so nervous, I did not want to be the reason why something went wrong and there is no playbook for this, you just kinda wing it and hope you do it right. I guess that is with alot of things in life though. I was so excited yet so scared. Life was getting ready to never be the same. I worried about whether I would be a good father, what to do, how to do it, decisions that needed to be made, etc. But I am sure this goes through every soon to be fathers mind as well. In the end, you just stay in motion and hope its the right direction.
I hope everyone gets the experience of seeing they’re child being born. It is the most primative experience you will ever have and the most fascinating. It makes you see a side of life, just for a moment that makes it all worth it. The moment is brief but its there and you don’t want to miss it. It changes you in so many ways.
I remember her going into contractions and me timing them, then waking her sister who was asleep in the nursery, packing everyone and everything up in the Toyota and heading downtown to the hospital. The delivery would take more than 12 hours. Thank God there was a Starbucks in the lobby open 24/7. I am not a Starbucks fan but for all of the new dad’s, thank you Starbucks.
I took part in the delivery 100%. I held body parts, took funny photos, cut the cord, etc. I also stayed in the hospital with Reder and the newly formed E-Man the entire time. (Son, feel lucky, your mom wanted to name you Liam) Leaving only to get Reder dinner from a local restuarant that she asked for. I was the proudest guy in the world. If you don’t believe that just ask all of my FB friends that I berated with picture after picture after picture. I told everyone at the bar of the restuarant where I was waiting to pick up Reder’s meal too. I still remember how fascinated Reder and I were when we found out the power of the pacifier! If any fathers are reading this, you know what I am talking about! A pacifier is hands down the best tool in history for a newborn. Plus the history of the pacifier is even more fascinating, just look it up.
Reder wanted her sister there for the delivery. She actually stayed several weeks with us. It frustrated me because I did not feel that we had the privacy we needed. To me this event should of been something Reder and I did solely by ourselves and the family could come afterwords. But Reder did respect my wishes of not having her in the delivery room when the baby came. I think Reders sister was annoyed by that but I don’t care. I was always polite and respectful to her even though I did not really care for her much. We were just completely different people and that’s okay.
When we finally got E-Man home, I had him out almost immediately. He is probably the only kid that trick or treated when he was 2 weeks old. But I felt it was important to get him out into the world as soon as possible. The doctors gave me the greenlight so away he went.
ON THE VERGE OF SEPARATION
Within weeks of E man being born, Reder changed. The progression was slow at first but within 3-4 months she was a completely different person. It was almost as if she was jealous of my relationship with E-Man, but that is just a thought, I have nothing to back that up with. I truly believe she suffered post partum depression. She also could not breast feed. I believe that was very bothersome to her. I never brought the concerns up because I really did not think she would agree and I didn’t want to create any unnecessary stress for her. Looking back, I feel that was the wrong way to handle it. If I had brought it up, maybe, just maybe it may have changed this outcome.
In the beginning we were doing things together, as a family. We took a trip not long after he was born up north to her friend Abby and Josh. We took E-man trick or treating when he was just a few weeks old. We took him back to my home town to see my mother, etc. but this did not last long. We went to a resort and took photos in front of a Christmas tree, the same tree that just one year before Reder and I had taken our own picture, this was before E-Man was born. I had always wanted to do that each year as kind of a slow graduation of all three of us.
Reder never really did talk about her emotions or feelings. She was sorta walled off. She was also not a very “lovy” kind of person. I think she tried and I think for her she felt as though she was. Maybe she was and I just did not see it. She can be extremely cold hearted at times and even cruel. I’m not sure if it’s controlable or if she even realizes it, either. Although we both agreed to raise E- Man non religious ( unless he became curious and wanted to explore) we did agree we would celebrate all of the holidays. We also agreed that if we ever split up we would remain co-parents and that we would respect each other’s parenting styles. Although I did drop him one time which left a very small dent in his head for a day or two. I remember calling the doctor to explain. She kinda laughed at me and said not to worry, the skulls were very soft but if he wasn’t crying he was okay. Reder and I actually had a bet who would accidentally drop him first, I lost.
There was his first birthday. I was very excited. I mean the great E-Man was turning 1! That’s awesome. We kept him alive a whole year, right? Well Reder had zero excitement. If it were not for me getting him a cake and candle’s and party pics, nothing would have been done. But the issues with us had started well before that. In fact, I remember making a stink about it and how important it was and her response was that “he is only one and he will never remember it”. She is right, but we would remember it and not doing anything did not seem right.
Reder kept becoming more and more withdrawn from us, from our relationship. Looking back I truly believe it was because of post partum and the realization that she had what she said she wanted, a child and that was all she wanted. I was thrown away. I had served my purpose. Nothing else makes sense. Hind site. But I cared, I gave a shit. I loved my little family very much. I think Reder liked the idea but I think she also like the idea of keeping her opinions open. But again, just an opinion, I could be wrong.
A few months after E man was born I proposed to Reder. We were out at dinner and I had the chef hide the ring in her chocolate cake. She said yes but looking back, I realize that is was me that was excited. I was the one that posted it on Facebook. I was the one who sent text people to tell them. I remember her mom textine me and saying and I quote “thank you for making her an honest women”. Then, a few months later, she took the ring off and gave it back to me. We were arguing over the withdrawing and why we were falling apart. She did ask for it back but I did not give it back. The way I felt, if you could take it off so easy than you did not deserve to have it. The argument wasn’t even a real argument. Reder and I never really “screamed” in our arguments, the few we had were heated but we always maintained respect for each other. We never said things we could not take back. We never cussed at each other and never, that I can remember raised our voices. We kept disagreements civil. Even the last 14 months or so intimacy went from 2-3 times per week to once per week, to twice a month, then once a month. At the end, it had been more then three months.
She stopped communicating as well. We were like robots. We would wake up, watch E man, feed him. I would cook breakfast and make coffee for me and tea for her on most days. She would go to work. I would wait for the nanny, then to work. We rarely spoke during the day . At night, I cooked dinner, she came home, we ate, watched tv and went to bed. There was little talk, looking back it was more like small talk that you would have with a stranger, there was no intimacy. Looking back, I cannot remember ever Reder saying anything first when it went to expressing emotion about our relationship. If I said something like “I love you”, she would say it back but I really do not remember her ever initiating anything first. We were oommates. In fact, I brought this up countless times, she would just dismiss it. At the end, there was virtually no communication.
I recommended counseling, she declined, said we didn’t need it. Then, she decides to take E man for two weeks and go to Israel. She never asked if the dates were okay, if I minded being apart from E-Man for two weeks, etc. She also knew we were having severe issues in our relationship. I had made several attempts to remedy it to no avail. When she went to Isreal it was like a slap in the face to me. It was as if she only cared about what she wanted to do, not about me at all. So, I decided it was time for a separation. Maybe that would fix it. But I had become non-existence to her at that point. Or at least, I felt that way and with good reason. Looking back, I cannot recall one time where she honestly attempted to remedy any of my concerns, they were more or less just brushed aside and life continued.
There were other reasons as well. For instance Andy, if you remember from the beginning of this story I mentioned Andy, her ex boyfrined. I had found out that Andy had actually broken up with her, not her with him. But she would never tell me why. I guess I did not deserve to know. These two kept frequent communication throughout our time together so obviously there was some emotional attachment still in the the relationship on her end. Andy would call at any hour. When E-Man was first born and sleeping in the crib next to us, he called at 1 AM drunk to talk with Reder. I know he was drunk becuase Reder told me he was.
This happened on two occassions almost back to back. I had finally had enough and spoke up. Reder did address it but the contact still continued, just not at 1 AM. She would never really talk to him around me and I never really knew the context to any of the conversations they had. To this day I have no idea what they talked about, what private parts of my or our life were discussed. And it’s not like I will ever know. Reder will never tell me. Why, because she is fucking Reder, she doesn’t have to. Although I made it clear, finally how I felt about the contact, Reder still openly admitted to continued conversations with him in her car to and from work and would text with him on a regular basis. I am sorry, I had a huge problem with this.
And who calls they’re ex drunk in the wee hours of the morning knowing the person they are calling is home with they’re boyfriend in bed with a newborn baby? Who does that? What rational human being does that? That speaks so much for how Andy viewed his relationship with her, that he call whenever he wanted, no matter the time or condition hew was in. To this day they remain in constant contact. Hell, they may even be dating again, with my son in tow. Although on many occassions I made my opinion known, Reder made it clear she was not going to stop by her actions of continued conversations, even at one point telling me his out of country travel schedule. It is what Reder wanted and no matter the cost she was going to do what she wanted. You just can’t make this up.
She would even defend her consistent almost daily if not daily contact with him. Again, I’ll never know. Instead of stopping and saying “wait a minute, this is really bothering my partner and father of my child”, it was things like, “Andy and I are just friends”. Look, I could care less if you talk to an ex occassionally but yea, when he feels as though he has the right to call at all hours of the early morning drunk and you can recite his travel schedule, I have a big problem with that. I think any rational human being would. The worse part, when he would call late at night drunk, she would answer! The relationship they had may not matter to some, I get it but it mattered to me and that should of meant something. I was emotionally cheated on for our ENTIRE relationship.
Then there was also the fact that in 18 months we had not had one night to ourselves. Not one date night or just a coffee date for an hour. We had nothing to ourselves, we completely lost touch with us.
I tried on so many occassions to speak with her about our non intimacy and other topics, even going to great lengths to do things to try to entice her for weeks at a time every night, it just did not work, I did not exist, I wasn’t even on the radar. There had even been a couple of nights I had spent the night over my buddies house, hoping thta would make her realize the state of the relationship, nothing had worked. It was all about Reder, Reder was never wrong, she did what she pleased, how she pleased, whenever she pleased. Just like her mother.
My Dad Duties
When I found out Reder was pregnant, I was working as a bartender and bar manager at a busy bar in a major city. I had left a 12 year career in another major city in finance and real estate. But being a bartender in a major city pays very well if your good at it and I had needed a break from the Wall Street world. I had wanted to start my own company for a long time and I felt that with a new baby having a more flexible schedule would be easier. Reder had a solid career and was the primary income earner, we had no financial worries and I felt as though her career was more important at that time.
I discussed this with Reder and she gave me the green light. This turned out to be a life saver as we had so many issues finding a steady nanny after Reder returned to work. Not only that but we were able to save probably a thousand dollars a month on child care. This is becuase the nanny only worked 3 days per week and instead of having her come in at 11 when Reder left for work, I stayed until 1 PM to shave off an additional 30 plus hours a month. So virtually one week free each month. I did not have alot of money at that time due to the start up, so it was my way of contributing and also away for E-Man to spend more time with at least one parent.
We had three nannies total, two within the first year and then one that lasted a year. But it took almost a year to find that one. During this time there were constant issues with a reliable nanny. The first one I would have to pick up E-Man at 4 PM. Which meant I had to leave work by 3 PM. This would dramatically cut short my workday. I would only have about 4 hours Monday through Wednesday. I took off on Thursday to keep the child care expense down and Reder was off on Fridays to watch him. So, really, the only full day of work I would get would be Friday.
Unfortunately this was also a day that many other business owners took off or left early. So I began finding it very difficult to start the business. But my obligation was to Reder and to E-Man. Reders job paid very well so it was more important at that time to be sure she never missed a day. Not to mention the type of work she did. People depended on her for very important advice, so she and her career took presidence over mine.
The first nanny only lasted a few months as out of the blue I picked him up one day and the nanny explained she could not watch him anymore. There were severalk weeks at that point where I had to stop what I was doing and stay home with E-Man to insure that Reder did not miss a day. In fact, Reder never missed a day of work. I always sacrificed my work and carrer to be sure that she did not have to sacrifuce hers. She would later claim, after her mothers showed up at the doorstep for 3 months, that I did this just for E-Man. That it had nothing to do with her.
With the second nanny things got even more frustrating. She was very irresponsible. There would so many times she would be late or call at the last minute and say she could not show up. This meant that I had to cancel any meetings I would have to be sure I was available to care for E-Man. I cannot tell you how many connections I lost over this and the relationships I ruined by always having to cancel meetings. Meetings that sometime took weeks to set up. It was virtually impossible to get my company off the ground. This lasted for months and months. But my obligation was Reder and E-Man first. Plus, again, Reder’s job could support us just fine.
After the second nanny. There was again many weeks I was at home caring for E-Man. I was always there, no matter what. It was so frustrating but there was no other alternative. It was at this time I decided to change my hours from coming home early, to leaving after the nanny the new nanny got there at 1 PM. As Reder had to leave by usually 10 or 11 AM.
Reder would later argue that after we finally got the last decent nanny that I could of changed my hours back. But that still would not of resolved many factors. For instance, if the new nanny was late or decided she could not come I would of had to leave any meeting immediately which would of been worse. Even with the new nanny I had gotten gun shy about making sure I was always available just in case.
I remember a time where I had cut my finger and was in at Patient First. Reder literally brought hime to Patient First for me to watch him. Even though she knew they had told me to go straight to the ER as there was a chance I could lose my hand from infection. I could not even push the stroller as I only had one usable arm. She brought him up, dropped him off and left me to deal with not just him, a toddler but the serious health issues as well. She did eventually turn around and come back but that wasn’t the point. It was once again all about her.
Reder would later claim in a “dear John’ letter I recieved montha after the last time I broke up with her that I left the first time to work on my business. This was complete horeshit and she knows it. It was just another way for her to make it about her, to get pitty and deflect.
The way I look at this is that if someone wants you in thier life, they will put you in it. This was just not the case with Reder. It was obvious to me that whether I was there or not simply did not matter. I did not tell anyone about the separation for a month or two, because frankly I did not feel like it was anyone else’s business. I also wanted privacy so we could try to work through our differences in together, without outside interference. I felt it was a private matter that should be dealt with privately between Reder and I. A friend was out of town so I moved into his apartment as he was gone for a year in San Francisco and needed someone to look after it. The rent was very low so it worked out great.
The separation was a last resort for me, I did not want it. In fact it was so far from my mind until about the last 3 months. It seemed nothing I said was working. Then when she decided to go back to her home country for two weeks knowing we were having serious issues without asking me, instead “informing” me, that was the last straw. I was hoping the seperation would wake her up and I think to some extent it did. But looking back I do not think enough. Reder has also never been good at showing emotion. It’s not a good or bad thing, it’s just how she is. Or maybe it was just how she was to me.
Once my friends found out, they said that they thought we had not been a good match. They said I was funny, charasmetic, and outgoing. They said Reder was bland, stoic, and was not big on conversation. For instance, my older friends Serbian Christmas. When we attend the small party of which I go every year along with several of my very close firends, Reder set on the couch on her phone most of the time, without talking or joining any of the conversation. People felt she was rude and that she was better than them. I do not agree with all of that. Reder is good at conversation if the conversation is something she is interested in. But if not, there is usually no attempt to join in a random un-interesting topic.
Some people wanted to say negative things about Reder after they learned about the separation. I suppose this is normal. A way for your friends to show support and that they are on your side. But I shut that shit down. I do not let people say negative things about her. Even to this day after all that has happened, I will not tolerate it. I don’t think is says something about her, I think it says more about them. She is my sons mother and for no other reason any friends and family of mine will respect that. Besides, opposites attract. I was with her, not them. I’m not really that charasmatic anyway.
I felt it was never good to involve others in a private relationship, especially when it was going poorly because one side will tell only one side of a story to people who are more than likely more sympathetic to the one who is telling them. It leads to major problems as more times than not, what the one person is saying is nothing more than a watered down version of the facts with facts convienantly left out. Friends getting involved and offering advice is almost always tainted to one side. It just creates more problems. That is just common sense. It’s like taking advice from fools.
We had always promised each other that if we did not work out, we would always be great co-parents, no matter what. My role as a father didn’t skip a beat. Just because we did not live together and were having personal issues, didn’t mean my parenting role or responsibilities changed. I would usually come over around 8 or 9 am Monday-Thursday via the subway. On Mon-Wed I would leave for work at 1 pm when the nanny showed up, if she showed up at all and was on time. This limited my earning potential but Reder was the primary earner, her job was more important. My responsibility was to the unit, not a person. On Thursday I kept E-Man all day and on Fridays she was off so I worked all day. So just like the normal schedule. I would also usually either pick him up on Saturday or Sunday for the day. Reder is Jewish so I took him for Easter and Christmas Day that year.
Funny thing. Today, is E-Man’s birthday, the only one I have ever missed.
One thing really bothered me when we first sperated. Reder’s friends Abby and Josh had come to visit her and Reder had told them we were seperated. Abby immediately asked her to move up to her town, four states away and come work for her. This really bothered me as I would of been four states away from E-Man. Reder and I promised we would always live in the same city if we seperated to ensure that we could properly and effectively co-parent. Plus Abby would of profited off of Reder coming to work for her. Abby could of cared less if E-Man was close to his father, if she had she would not of asked Reder to move. She wanted Reder to move up and work for her so she could profit, this was so easy to see and it really spoke volumes for who Abby was as a person. Reder tried to defend the obvious and to this day she still does, or at least the last time I spoke with her 6 months ago. Her friends can do no wrong.
Reder told me one time that she loved the fact that I could “see people”. The good part about seeing people, is seeing right through them and I immediately saw right through this. Reder told me that she would never ever do something like a move like that as well when she told me about what Abby had said. She then explained that Abby offered just so they could be close. Isn’t it funny how people can mask true intentions by trying to claiming to be caring. Total horse shit and truly sad.
I had only met Abby and Josh a few times. We spent one weekend together on a trip up north to thier home. I was not much on them but I was always polite and respectful to both Abby and Josh. We were just different people and that is okay, I would never dislike someone just because I did not agree with thoughts or beliefs, its childish. If that was the case I would have no friends. But I have to respect them and that slimy move made me lose any respect for Abby. I think it was a very shallow suggestion. Reder’s job where she was was great, there was no need for it. Reder would refuse to admit that Abby would profit from her for nearly a year before finally admitting it. And Josh, if you have an issue with me calling out your wife for slimy behavior you know how to reach me.
A few months into the separation I was thinking of signing a new lease, I had been house sitting for awhile. I spoke with Reder about this and later that day or the next she sent me an email asking me not to sign a new lease, that she wanted to work on us. So I never did sign a lease. I dove head first into my business and co-parenting. Reder, who by now, I had learned was not emotionally distant but really just seemed emotionally unavailable, continued her role. But never, during our relationship we’re we ever disrespectful to each other. We had our arguments but they never got out of hand. She would later tell me she would cry at night. I wish she would of told me then, maybe learning that would of shown me she did actually care for me in a romantic way.
Breast Cancer Strikes
I’ll never forget the morning Reder called me into the bathroom to show me an abnormality in her breast. She held her arm up and there, on the side of her breast was an abnormally. The second I saw it, I knew it was breast cancer. I had seen this before, almost identical abnormally on an old college girlfriend of mine nearly 20 years earlier. Although I never relayed that to Reder, but I think she knew it was cancer as well, it just had this sinister look to t. At this time we had been separated for five or six months.
It had to be so scary to her and I get it. I have never had cancer and praying I never do but I may at one point in my life. However, I have been in scary situations before. It causes you to some extent to get brain fog and hyper focus which is completely natural. I was so worried for her. I had wished so much I could of been the one to get it and not her. But that wasn’t the case. This was her battle and there was nothing I could physically do to stop it. All I could do was be as supportive as possible.
I went to every doctors appointment with her. (She would later claim after her mom showed up that although I went I did not want to be there, which was total horse shit). Just like with the pregnancy and co-parenting with E-Man, I was always there, no matter what, no matter what I had to do, to show support and to talk about the options.
We found out it was stage one so there was a 100% success rate according to the doctors. This eased my mind. The way I attempted to comfort Reder was to tell her things like, “there’s no reason to worry, it’s stage one, your going to be fine”. I felt downplaying it was the best way to reassure her all would be fine because it was true, she would live. This was not life or death but it was a very serious illness.
However, looking back I think she took this as me blowing it off. Or maybe I was just not treating her like enough of a victim and she became angery with me because of that. Sorry but I do not live my life as a victim, I think its unbecoming. But, just like the delivery of E-Man, there is no playbook for this, you just move forward and hope what you say and do is in the right direction. I was doing all I could for her. I was going to every appointment and re-assuring her all would be fine. Just because I wasn’t living in our home did not mean I did not care for her, that’s just stupid.
Plus, there are also side effects to someone you love getting news like that. It effects more than just them. I was worried before the diagnoses that I may be a single dad to a new child. That was scary as I would be lost. I was worried I would lose Reder and that made me begin to look at things differently. It made me look at life differently, it made me look at her differently.
Finally, we found out the treatment options. Chemo and radiation. I thought it would be a good idea for her mom to come from they’re home country. She could stay three months on a visa and that was about as long as chemo was. Plus she could watch E-Man while I went with her to treatments, we could get some much needed time alone and maybe fix things. I wanted to be there for her and I was doing all I knew to do to accomplish this.
She originally said no but about a week later she decided she wanted her mom there. I was happy and I supported her decision. She would later try to blame her moms disgusting behavior on me saying I was the one who thought she should come. But how was I supposed to know how her mother would act. I had met them three times.
I remember when Reder began loosing her hair during chemo. I tried to make light of it. She asked me to shave her head. So while I was doing it I was making funny designs and getting her to laugh and she did. It was a funny moment we shared during the mist of a fierce battle. I was doing all I knew to do to help. I would research cancer because of this, spending hours learning about the causes, side effects or treatments, options and even read stories of those that had went through chemo and stage one breast cancer.
I learned about re-occurance chances and something called “chemo brain’ I learned that almost 90% of those going through chemo change in personality. After all, you are poisoning the body to fight cancer. This would later become a big topic when I tried to tell Reder she had chemo brain but she dismissed it as a farce. She remembers this just like she remembers everything in this Op/Ed.
A friend of a friend had undergone treatment, I set up a phone meeting with her and spoke with her in detail about the experience. I felt the best way to learn was to talk to someone who went through it. It was very reassuring and helped me relax. I did all I could in my words and actions to pass that to Reder. Although I am not sure it helped, I would like to think that it did. But guess who did not do any of this? Her friends and family.
Tamar Reder Arrives
Tamar Reder, Ariela Reder’s mom, (AKA Mrs. Crazy) showed up with her husband, Reder’s dad. Let me again say Reder’s dad is one of the most thoughful, down to earth and kindest people I have ever met. I have such a great respect for him. He is truly the opitomy of a great guy. I wish we would of had more time alone to get to know each other. I really think he could of been a great help in my own life as someone to talk to and turn to for advice, as I have not spoken to my own father in over a decade. I am hoping he has a strong influence over E-Man. Reders brother as well was an equally as nice of a guy. We never really had a chance to get to know each other either but I think it would of been a great relationship had we had the chance. I met her brother briefly on two different occassions.
I had always been very respectful to Tamar and her dad. Reder and I took Tamar Reder and her dad back to my hometown to meet and have lunch with my own mother. My mother and I took the time to show them the city a little. I wanted to show certain things like the new Holocaust Museum but Reder said they would not want to see it. However, weeks later her parents went back to the same town and toured the things I wanted to show them that Reder said they did not want to see.
Her dad would only stay two weeks. I remember on one occassion, Reder and I were on the couch, Tamar Reder and her dad were at the stove. Reder had asked me a question and my response was that I did not know. Tamar spoke from the kitchen 20 feet away and said “What DO you know”. The tone was very condensending and harsh, not a playful tone. I looked at Ariela and she immediately spoke up in defense and scolded Tamar Reder. I decided instead of saying anything I would just take a walk. So I got up, left and took a walk. When I came back I was composed. I never really felt it was my place to say anything negative or defensive to her parents as they were her parents and she was a big girl. I did not feel it was my place. Only one time, several weeks later did I finally confront Tamar and call her an asshole, even though by the she deserved to be called alot more. I should of thrown her and her shit out on the street. You will read why I finally had enough and spoke up. Maybe had I spoke up sooner things would be different, I will never know but Ariela handled it great so there was no need, at that time to address it.
There was another time about a week after her mom and dad. Reder and I had decided that we wanted to go to dinner, just the two of us and hang out for once, alone. It had been along time and I was excited. So was Reder. When Reder was getting ready to leave, she said to Reder “You guys are not getting back together are you?” Reder said no and left to meet me. I know this becuase Redee told me about the comment that night at dinner.
We had a wonderful night. We laughed and joked and kissed, it was the most relaxed the two of us had been in nearly two years. It made me start to think maybe, just maybe we would be okay. Maybe we were better. Maybe Reder, in private had realized mistakes and privately, to herself addressed them. We did not speak about the relationship at all that night, we just hung out. It was a much needed evening alone and it was amazing.
GETTING BACK TOGETHER
There is no doubt I cared for Reder. This was never the issue. When tragedy struck all of us with her cancer diagnosis, seeing her with no hair, very slim and knowing what she was getting ready to have to go through, I really saw her, I saw a naked, frail, scared beauty that I did not know existed before. I decided to call and speak with her about getting back together. I knew she wanted to and I would have to sign a new lease the two days later. So I decided I would explore us getting back together before then because once I signed , I was obligated for 12 months .
I really wanted to be there for her and her upcoming battle. We had been officially separated about 7 or 8 months. During that time we got along well. It was as if we were better co-parents than we ever were a couple. There was tention but we were both respectful about it. I do not think we once ever argued at that point. I even thought dating someone else would work, this lasted literally two whole days, it just did not feel right and I was completely not interested. Looking back, I think that was the wrong move and I should not of done it. But Reder and I had been seperated for months, so there was no moral mistake, just a mistake in thinking that it would make me happy. It did not so I broke it off within days of starting it.
I decided I wanted to get back together. I felt that with the recent events, the way Reder was now acting and the fact that I missed us as a family unit, it was the right thing to do and I thought that if I spoke with Reder and addressed my concerns, we could make it work.
Reder and I met at a local bar, talked for an hour, had a amazing conversation and got back together. It was like a breath of fresh air. It like we had just met. We are both laughing, holding hands, kissing and laughing, things we had not done in two years. I really thought we were fixed, that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I felt she realized what she was doing wrong and that I brought awareness to a lot of stuff. She also highlighted a few topics on her mind with me. It was or I thought extremely productive.
The plan was I come home the following day. I could not wait to wake up with her again and to hear E-Man’s little footsteps up and down the hallway. I had kept the same schedule Mon, Tue, Wed, Thurs all day and some weekends with E-Man but it just wasn’t the same. It was almost as if we never completely separated because we were together so much with E-Man during the sepration. Although we had many discussions and disagreements about the seperation, we were never disrespectful to each other, not one time.
Unfortunately, this marked the beginning of 30 days of hell on earth that would shatter our relationship and my life. When Reders mom and dad first came to help with the cancer treatment. The idea was that Mrs. Crazy would help with whatever was needed, not completely take over and divide Reder and I. But that is exactly what happened. Reders sister would show up a few days after her dad left, lets call her Crazy 2.
After Reder and I decided to get back together, we made plans for me to come back home the next morning. This was a Saturday morning. Reder and I met for brunch Reder. She asked me if I would wait a few days before I came back home. I explained I had rejected a lease and had nowhere to stay. She then explained she had given our bedroom to Mrs. Crazy and we would have to sleep on the futon in E-Mans room. There was just something that was just not sitting well with me. It was just the way she had said it. Her vocie and demeanor had adjusted.
So, I asked her what her mom and sister had said when she told them we were getting back together. She said her mom said nothing, that she just “told them”. I remember thinking this is the first time Reder had ever lied to me when she made the statement, she immediately broke eye contact and looked down and her demeanor changed. She would later admit to me that Mrs. Crazy had actually given her an ultimatum, that it was either me or her, classic tectbook manipulation 101. Since I had no where to go, I moved back in as scheduled, that day.
There was not much subtleness to Mrs. Crazy and her sister expressing their hatred for me from the start. That same day they all took E-Man to the park. I decided after the fact that I wanted to go, so I met them there. As soon as I walked up they stopped talking. Then within minutes they left to go to the store. Reder and I walked back to our apartment. About an hour later when they arrived. They walked in and had stopped at the corner of the kitchen with bags in thier hands. I was sitting on the couch 15 feet away and asked them how the shopping was. Mrs. Crazy did not answer me and Crazy 2 did the same. Yet, seconds later, Reder, who was in E-Man’s nursery 50 feet away, down a hall in another room asked Mrs. Crazy something and she answered immediately, so did her sister.
Then later that day I passed both in the stairwell. I was going down, they were both coming up. I said hi as I passed, her sister looked straight ahead and rolled her eyes as she walked past.
I brought this to Reders attention, she claimed that her mom did not hear me. She agreed we they were being disrespectful and would talk to them. However, this did nothing. This behavior lasted until her sister left. It caused problems. They were both being blatently disrespectful to me, I had done nothing to them or Reder. I continued the normal routine of watching E-Man at the scheduled times, her mom and sister would leave when Reder left and I would not see them again until Reder returned later that night. Days passed. The hate campaigh continued each day, both Mrs. Crazy and her sister would continue to ignore me, talk over me and continue to act like I was not there. I would continue to try to get Reder to speak to them but I could slowely start seeing Reder change her attitude toward me as well. It was beginning to wear on both of us.
Then they would start talking hebrew so I could not understand them. Everyone spoke perfect english and had been speaking english just fine until now. They would go back and forth between english and hebrew so I would have no idea half the time what they were saying. Reder would always answer in english so I could get part of it. I trusted nothing was being said about me but looking back I now think differently. Either way it was just a continued inventive way for her sister and mother to be disrespectful. Yet, they would alwasy speak in perfect english to Reder’s friends when they would call or come by. This really frustrated me and I would bring it up to Reder. Reder would try to make excuses.
Then one day Reder calls me on her way to work and tells me that her mother and sister feel like they should just speak hebrew all of the time and if I needed to know something she would translate. I was a little pissed off. They both felt perfect english and this was o unessassery. I came home that night and it was like I did not exist at all. Reder, her mom and her sister were all speaking hebrew. No one even acknowledged me when I walked in. They were even speaking hebrew to E-Man. I sat there on the couch like a fly on the wall. It was very humiliating for me. It made me feel very small.
Reder and I had discussed E-Man being bilingual and I was all for it but the kid could not even speak english yet. It was like little Jerusalem. Her sister would leave 3 days later but the stress and frustration had taken its toll. It caused a few heated arguments between Reder and I and we had never had arguments in that tone or tempo before. I was beginning to see the influence of her mom and sister. Reder never did tell me what was said when I was not around and I am sure I will never know but I can assume some of it. But I remember walking into the room and everyone would just get quiet.
This is why it bothered me. Regardless of the separation Reder and I had, it was our separation, our business, our discussion on how to handle it. I knew that mrs crazy and her sister had no idea anywhere near the entire story. They just made assumption’s and obviously took Reders side. They never should of gotten involved to begin with. Next, the apartment belonged to both of us, we were both on the lease, wether we had separated, I moved out and back in or not, it was also my home and they were guest. They were being disrespectful doing things they knew were going to cause problems to disrupt our relationship.
It was also putting Reder in a tough spot. Now remember, she was now going through chemotherapy fighting cancer and this was the behavior of invited guest, from another country, in our home. Reder felt torn, I completely get it and I know it was tough. I bit my tongue so many times before I finally started speaking up Mrs. crazy already had our bedroom, we were on the futon in E-Man’s room. It was like we were guest in our own home. Mrs. Crazy would stay a total of three months until her papers expired and had to leave.
After her sister left, Reder and mrs crazy would go to the chemo treatment together. I would watch E man. Plus we were on our regular mon-thurs schedule. Her mother being there did not resolve that, she offered no help.
I went once to surprise Reder while she was at chemo. (Her mother and I were supposed to rotate accompanying Reder to her chemo appointments. I stopped and got her a magizine and went to the hospital with E- Man. Her mother came out for five whole minutes to watch E-Man before blowing up Reders text claiming he need a diaper change and she could not do it. Yet she had changed his diaper many times before. So, I got a whole five minutes with Reder while she was undergoing chemo. Five whole minutes. I tried to get along with Mrs. Crazy for a while but I was getting very tired of her completely disrespectful and manipulative behiavor.
This would obviously cause issues between Reder and I and her mother and know it. In fact, the more problems it caused. This began to turn Reder and I into a emotional mess. She was trying to downplay her mothers behavior to make everyone get along. But I saw it for what it was. In fact, Reder herself made the comment “I see what’s happening and don’t know how to stop it”. In the matter of less than 10 days Mrs. Crazy was destroying our relationship and doing it knowingly and willingly. SHe could see what it was doing to Reder and I and never once attempted to stop.
I was still being kind to her mother. I loaned her my tablet to use, I would give her directions to places, tell her things going on in the city she could go see or do as well. I was hoping if I just avoided confronting her she would stop. This did not work and I wish now I would of confronted this head on from the start.
She was going through cancer and wanted her mother, I get it but the behavior of her 78 year old mother was absolutely, disgusting, Reder started to slowly change. Her responses over about a week and a half period. Then there was the weekend she claimed (mrs crazy ) that she was seeing the problems she was causing and decided she was going to leave for the weekend to see if “we could get along” I was speechless, “to see if we could get along?” Keep in mind the only reason we had now started yelling arguments, the first time ever, was because of her (mrs crazy) The only person. We had never argued the way we had started to, ever. We had began being disrespectful to each other in our arguments to, very pressumote.
At one point, Reder spoke to her brother, her brother stated that we would not be to work in our relationship with Mrs.Crazy present. Or so that is what Reder relayed to me. So, Mrs. Crazy left for the weekend. Reder then told me that her mom left to see “she wanted to make sure we could get along. I was speechless over this. The women who was creating all of the problems in our newly reformed relationship was not taking it upon herself to decide whether or not WE could get along!! I made my opinion very clear about this. Reder would not hear of it.
No sooner did she leave , then her friends Tom and Jeff called to see if they could come over (to this day I feel like her mother had them call) Reder told them they could come over. Again, speechless, this was suppose to be our weekend. Myself, Reder, and E man as a family. And she invited friends over to spend the day with us. So, I went to spend the Saturday with my friends. Reder later said that I agreed they could come over so it was really my fault I guess. But she asked me while on the phone with them, what was I supposed to say, no? Then I would of been the bad guy. It was lose lose on my part.
Mrs. Crazy came back on Monday, we made it about 3 more days. When she came back, Reder began to act completely different. She began doing nothing but taking her mothers side on everything. And her mother seeing this began to go into overdrive. For instance, she began talking past me directly to E-Man when I was watching him. If it was one minute past his bedtime she would say things like “I bet your tired”. Or if I was keeping him in his high chair longer than normal trying to get him to eat more she would say things like “I bet your full and are not hungry”. She would completely ignore me when her and I were alone together, then as soon as Reder would show up she would flip a switch and act completely normal. I have never met a more manipulative and destructive person. I canno tell you the problems this caused with Reder and I.
I started saying things to Reder about it and I was getting tired of it. You could here it in my voice. Reder starting saying things like. “Well, I was not there and did not witness it so I cannot speak on it” or “my mother is 78 years old” or “my mother is doing nothing wrong”. The most frustrating part was Reder knew what she was doing, she knew it and would act like I was the one who was crazy. It was so blatent.
Then, Reder started parenting like I was not even in the picture. She would start talking to her mother about E-Man and not me. They began making decissions for him, not her and I. We had always agreed to respect each others parenting styles and discuss things when needed, specially E-Man’s health and appointments. These were our decisions together as parents. Not her mothers decision. Of course her mother embraced this. I was once again invisible. I no longer existed.
The final straw came about three days it was E mans bedtime and he was being difficult, his teeth were coming in. So I decided to put milk into his bottle to help him sleep. Later that night when Reder came home from work she stopped me in our hallway not 60 seconds after she coame home and stated “she had been informed I had given E man milk in bed” I didn’t think much of it at the moment in pursuing. However,Reder and I both agreed that we would not interfere with each other’s parenting. We both parented in different ways. So it frustrated me a little, neither of us were in charge, we were both equal and it made me start to see that she felt. E man was hers and her mothers, not mine. This was never something we agreed in.
She did things I did not agree with but I never spoke up because of this agreement. By the next day though after thinking about it I realized that her mother, again had ratted on me, like a fucking 4 year old. Mrs. Crazy now assumed it was her place and business . She also assumed that her daughter was the one in charge of the parenting .
So I confronted Ariela and asked why she was lying to me to protect her mother. Why she did not just say her mother told as that was the obvious reason. She claimed that and I quote “should of known”. Especially when she knew what her mom did was wrong! It turned into a huge fight. I could not handle the stress, the lies, etc. I told her I was leaving as she walked me to the door she said “I know what is happening and I can’t stop it” then as she was closing the door behind me she said “I did not ask you to leave” That was our home and our son, not her mother’s, yet her mother had come in and destroyed our family. My family. But it was now classic Reder, saying one thing and doing another. This became the new norm with her. Her facial expression said one thing, your voice said another and her actions said another.
In fact, Reder had said to me just days prior to this that her mother said and I quote “my mother says she sees what she is doing and just can’t stop”. And “My mother doesn’t feel she needs to apologize for anything”. And “My mother doesn’t believe in apologies, she says that once something is said, its said”. I remember asking Reder one time, what I had done so wrong to deserve what she and her Tamar Reder were doing to me, she never did answer that question.
I hope no one reading this has ever had to feel the personal effects of being homeless. It is the lowest, most degrading experience of someones life. It makes them feel useless, like less of a person. You question every decision you have ever made. It makes you see everyone as superior to you, like you no longer matter, everyone else does but you simply do not.
When I left, I was emotionally and mentally drained, I had no fight left but I was still trying or at least I thought I was. I was confused, angry, frustrated, hurt and lost. I did not know what I had done so bad to be discarded like trash. Yet there I was.
When I left that evening, I had $2600.00 in my checking account. It was enough to rent a place. However, I did not know what to do. I really thought if I just hung in there a day or two, Reder would come to her senses and be like, wait a minute. If I rented an apartment I would be stuck with a year lease and would not be able to move back in. Maybe that should of been my choice at that moment but I was just so lost, I did not know which way was up. And rentng a hotel room in the city I was in was $300.00 bucks a night. I simply ould not afford it.
All of my friends in this city were either an hour away or did not have room for me. My buddies house I was house sitting was no longer an option as he was back with his kids, there was simply no room. I had turned down a lease and that was no longer an option. I had to be in the city for work so I could not travel an hour away. Living in a major city I had no car so travel to and from would be expesnive and difficult.
So, I decided I would wait it out for a few days and hope it got better. I stayed on park bences, under bridges and even in the train station until 4 AM when they kicked out all of the homeless people. Each day I still went to watch E-Man. I would show up as the same times and days as usual. Reder would ask Tamar Reder to leave when I would come over at first but that only lasted a few days. I remember saying to Reder one time after I was newly homeless – “so I guess I have a place to just take a shower”. SHe just looked at me and walked away.
I remember I had nothing, no clothing, no computer for work, nothing. I called Ariela and told her this. She told me she would bring me clothes and the computer. She did, she brought them to the fucking park for me, the FUCKING PARK. She would pull up, roll down her window, hand me clothes and a computer and drive off. Leaving me there, in a park, with a few clothes and a computer in my hand. While Tamar Reder sat in our home with MY son. You could now easily see the person Reder was becoming under her mothers influence. She was a different person, very cold, very cruel, very dishonest. She would lie right to my face, like I would not know. The manipulation of Tamar Reder was so aparent, so easy to see.
At this point, all we did was argue. I remember literally begging her to see what her mom was doing, I mean BEGGING. Reder remembers this. She would have no part of it. Her excuses continued, saying things like “my 78 year old mother is doing nothing wrong” and “I don’t see it the way you see it”. She mentioned her moms age like it was some type of defense, in reality her 78 year old mother knew exactly what she was doing. She saw the harm it was causing to our relationship, our son, our parenting, our attititude toward each other and our demeanor. I will never know the details of her and her mom’s conversation but I have a strange feeling this was ammo for her. Saying things like “see all you guys do is fight”. But Reder will never come clean. When the entire time it was a direct result of Mrs. Crazy and Mrs. Crazy knew it. I have never me t a more devious, manipulative individual in history and I could see it, I could see all of it. But my arguments fell upon def ears. Reder was determined, no matter the cost to keep her brainwashing mother in our home.
I remember sending text to her at this point, we were fighting and saying horrible things to each other and I no longer cared. I was finally expressing my anger over everything. I was direct and I was mean, I was sick of it. But the funny thing is, until her mother dragged her belongings up our stairs, we had never EVER spoke to each other in this manner, not once.
Then it got to the point that she would have her mother stay when I came over. Her mother would just sit there with an evil look, on our love seat, turning the tv volume down when I would walk into our bedroom and pretending to knit like some poor old lady. And Reder would follow me to the bedroom. I got Reder to meet me out a couple of times away from her mother.. Once she met me at a place we used to always take E-Man, she told me and I quote “this is all your fault, you ruined everything”. She yelled this from across the street at me in front of total strangers and then walked away.
I then met her at a park limping from being attacked on a park bench by a homeless guy trying to steal my backpack of which my head was laying. I asked her if she told her mom she was meeting me. She told me and I quote “I did not tell my mom where I was going”. Yet she was in her joggin clothes so I am sure she told her mom she was going jogging. That is how insane this was. She was hiding the fact that she was meeting ME, after I left and was now homeless because of her mother FROM HER MOTHER. Like we were children, we were in our 40’s!!
She then proceeded to tell me and I quote “Its about me now”. I hate to tell you Reder, its always been about you, you always made sure of that. This was just more thing she said in her string of cruelty. She had also taken my key by now. The key to my home, a home legally mine and I gave it to her.
I remember texting her a few days after I was attacked and telling her. Her response via text ” I am sorry to here that, I hope your okay”. I remember going to get my clothes and belongings from her. It was pouring down rain, I had slept under a bridge the night before. She had put everything out on our landing and would not even open the door. I had to carry my belongings in trash bags from our apartment in the pouring rain to the subway, then to a storage facility and then back for another trip. It was 45 minutes one way. What do you bet her and her mother were staring at me through the peephole laughing. Not that she would ever admit to it. My belongs were reduced to nothing but being left in trash bags outside of my front door. Like I was trash and this was all I was worth now. FUCKING trash bags, my belongings were put out at the front door in trash bags.
I would come over after sleeping on the street and the entire apartment was different. Now, in the morning her and her mother would sit there laughing and talking, listening to classical music and just ignoring me. I was humiliated. I found out she had even told one of her friends halway across the world that I was homeless. I guess it helped make her feel supperior. Her mother would just sit there with a smirk on her face. All of this lasted about two weeks.
I had had enough. I finally sent her a text telling her I would no longer come over and watch E-Man. That since her and her mother wanted complete control, they now had it. I was so at my wits end, I was a mess by this point.
Her response was and I quote “It is time for you to take care of yourself and me to take care of E-Man and I’. Yet she would later tell people I walked out on my son. I waited, homeless, begging for two weeks for her to snap out of it. I had slept on the streets, on park benches, between alleys, under a bridge and in train stations, showing up everyday to my home, legally my home to watch E-man so she would not miss work and could also be sure her and her mother were able to go to her chemo treatments together. Then I would leave and go to work and then sleep on a bench that night. For two weeks I did this. I was so mentally fucked up that I agreed to sign over my custody to Reder. She would later wave this like a red flag again telling anyone who would listen that I walked out on my son instead of telling the truth. What she did not tell people was that a few days before court I asked her not to move forward with the signed agreement. I was out of town and was not at the hearing. She said she would not and moved forward anyway, giving her complete control.
I remember one specific occassion. Her work was sending her pre-packaged meals while going through chemo. There were stacks of them in the fridge. I took one out because I was hungry. She said to me in this very condensending voice “those are for me and my mother”. It was so fucking humiliating. I just put it back in the fridge and did everything I could to not break down in tears. I felt so little.
I remember one time right before I left for Brooklyn I asked if I could see my son, she said she would have to ask Tom, her friend first. This finally brought me to tears. After everything she had done to me, now it was up to her friend Tom if I could see my own son.
I had gotten to know Tom and his husband Jeff somewhat well. I seemed to spin more toward Jeff but I was always polite and respectful to both of them and they had NO PLACE in our private relationship. Especially knowing that Reder was not being honest with the facts. I remember bringing up this point. Reders response and I quote “I will not be a relationship where I cannot tell my friends or anyone whatever I want”. So, in otherwords, we had no privacy, we had no private life. Anything I had told Reder in confidence that couples do, expecting privacy was now off the table. After all, I should of expected that, she is fucking Reder, the best person on the planet, what she wants she gets and what she does, well you just have to be okay with it becuase Reder knows best.
Finally I quit. I snapped out of it. I moved back to the only place I felt comfortable. I moved back to Brooklyn, New York and rented an apartment on a 30 day month to month agreement still hoping she would snap out of it.
My 40th birtday would come and go. I missed E-Man so much. I remember sending her a text around my birthday talking about E-Man. My text said “I wanted to make it work”, referring to co-parenting. She responded verbatum and said “It will never work unless you admit it was all your fault”.
But I was finally regaining composure and self esteem. All I did was work and work. I would meet up with old friends for happy hour, etc. I was beginning to get it together again, regain some sense of identity and respect for myself. I would text occassionally, telling her about chemo brain, she denied that was her. I met someone and dated her for about three months even. I was doing everything I could to move on but I missed my son so much.
I remember talking to her around his birthday. I had come back down to her city with a ton of birthday gifts for E-Mans second birthday. She told me I could come by. Then at the last minute she texted and said she did not want me over. I took an Uber over and left all of his gifts ion front of the door on the landing. I never did see him, in fact I would not see him for months. I even remember asking her to throw away the agreement I had signed when I was at wits end giving her full legal and physical custoday, she refused. She was a victim.
There were other things as well that I felt were very manipulative. For instance, after she left in the park, she started texting a close friend of mine and saying she was “worried” about me. Yes, after all that had transpired she was now trying to , I feel, manipulate close firneds into coming to her side. What she did not know was that I had never told anyone what was going on untl then. When I got his call, I was at the gym. When he told me what she had said, I dediced to tell him what was really going on. After that, he lost any sort of respect for Ariela. I was trying so hard to keep our private life private. But she just didn’t seem to care. She wanted to be a victim, not a victimizer. She knew what she was doing was wrong. I think she felt like she could convince others she was right and I was the crazy one. I don’t know as my brain does not function that way.
Then, out of the blue, she started texting my mother photos of E-man. She had never, in almost 3 years done that. Now though, now she was. The irony. As if she was just trying to cut me completely out of the picture byt reaching out to my friends and family. My mother called me to tell me this. I then had to tell her what was going on and I had tried to keep everyone out of it. Not because I was afraid. I did it because I wanted our private life private. I thought we and I deserved that.
GETTING BACK TOGETHER AGAIN
This was a very difficult discussion for me. Getting back together was not what I necessarily what I had envisioned. I missed E-Man some kind of bad. And if being close to him meant being with someone I did not truly want to be with was what I had to do, then so be it. And you never know right, so I did.
I did fell like it was something I should at least try and do. Seeing E-Man again after nearly 6 months was so exciting, he seemed to of grown several inches and it hurt me deeply that I missed it. He acted at first as if I was a new baby sitter. But over a couple of days he adapted well and behaved too. He has always been a well behaved child.
Before long we were dad and E-Man again. I blame Reder for that and I still hate her for that. Her mother is a real piece of shit, Reder should of known better. But it took all of 30 seconds to fall back in love with E-Man so I didn’t care. I was hoping Reder would have changed more than she had when it came to what happened and why it happened but I let it go.
We had several arguments over the course of the first month or so. I was not living back in her city, I was still up north. I would make the round trips down and then return home a few days later, all at my expense. This lasted a few months. She would say things to me like “when I met you, you were not doing well”. Which was complete crap, I had a great life before getting involved with her. And “When you get older your going to be in poor health”. Again, I go to the gym 3-4 days per week, have 4 percent body fat and can bench 240. None of these statements were true. It was just her way of trying to belittle me as much as possible, a way for her to feel better than me.
Man, that first two months I did alot if traveling. Keep in mind I was 4 states away. The trip one way was 4 hours. Sometimes I did this 3 times per week. I had signed a month to month lease so I could break it at anytime with 30 days notice. I had done this because I did not want to permanently be in Brooklyn at first. This gave me the ability to me more nimble, just in case we were to get back together. I wanted to get back together, not for Ariela Reder, at this point I truly hated her, I dispised who she was and I think I had good reason. But I wanted so much to be there for e-man and with e-Man.
I’ll be honest, at first it seemed pointless but I began getting determined. I had found out some frustrating things at first and I was devastated. We were still arguing a lot at that time, in the beginning of trying to work it out. For instance she said that’s her friends could not believe but I had walked out on E man. I hit the roof. She actually told her friends that I had walked out on my son. After all I had did to try to save us, this was the narative she was running with. Deflecting any and all blame from herself and her mother to me. Doing anything possible to be sure Tamar Reders actions were covered up. Ariela even said and I quote “oh MY friends had plenty to say about you”. Yet I had always been nothing but polite and knd o all of her friends. I had done nothing to them and I had done nothing to Ariela.
She had even replaced all of the pictures on the wall that used to be E-Man, myself and her with pictures of E-Man and her mother and father. She had literally erased my presence.
It was as if she was testing the waters about what lies I would believe. That single admission is why I wrote this whole Op/Ed, the fact that she had the audacity to tell people I walked out on my son. To this day it makes me sick to my stomach to realize that. And it shows me how easy Ariela is in being manipulated by others even when she knows what is being said is not true. Look Ill never know what was said about me. I mean who is going to tell me? I know Ariela Reder won’t, I still can’t figure out how she sleeps or looks in thee mirror and our son. The fact that she is able speaks so much for who she is as a person I believe. I could not believe she had told her friends I walked out on my son. I was so hurt by that. After all I had done to be there for him and for her. That is the story she tells her friends. Anything to protect her Tamar Reder.
I remember we were in the park. E-Man and I had this thing were I would put him on my shoulders in the park or the apartment and I would zoom around really fast and then just stop. He would love it. It was our thing. He would get on Reder’s shoulders and just cry to get down. It was just me. So, one day we were in the park and I put him on my shoulders. I made the comment that he only liked it when I did it. She immediately spoke and said that it wasn’ true. That Abby and Josh came down to visit and Ethan loved riding omn Josh’s shoulder. She had this matter of fact tone. It was like she was trying to belittle me and take something from me that I held so dear to E-Man and I by telling me that. She had this look on her face like she had wished Josh was E-Man’s father figure and not me. I do not know how to explain it better than that. It was just the way she said it and her demeanor, again, I will never know what she was thinking when she said it but I saw and her it just fine.
I remember one time she looked at me and said verbatum “you were not Republican when we met”. I was dumbfounded over this. First, I am not a Republican and my voting record clearly speaks for that. I voted twice for Obama and I voted for the democrat mayor of our city. I did vote for Bush though, so I guess that makes me a Republican. The first vote I ever cast as an adult was for Clinton. So, that alone I think shows how much she really knew me. But she did not say that because she did not know me. She said it in a way that was condensending. Besides, what does that have to do with anything? Now, your basing how you look at me, presumingly wrong because you think my political beliefs are different then yours, this is how low and petty you have now become. But Reder is not a citizen and can’t vote anyway, so I guess she just did not understand, right…
I remember about this time she told me how E-Man had all of her features, her cheeks, her hair, her mouth, her nose, everything was from her side, nothing was from mine. Again, just another belittling and distancing tactic. Well, guess what Reder, one this he does have is my laugh. So think about that everytime that little guy laughs, your welcome.
I asked her is she had told her friends what her mother said “either him or me” or if they, knew she left me under bridges and park benches. Or if they know she took my key. She said no. I asked is she had told them about me begging her to see what her mom was doing, the answer, of course, no.
She then asked if I would go to counseling. I immediately said yes. Funny thing, she never brought it up again. I wonder why… and this is why we argued. She refused to be held accountable or hold others accountable when I told her that this needed to be fixed, she asked how. I told her that her mother and sister needed to know the damage she had done.
Reder’s response “no, what good would that do” to her mothers actions, even with this I tried to move forward. In fact, I said to her around this time, that if I ever really needed her, I knew she would not be there. She just backed down and said nothing. But one thing began to happen, it shocked me and made me smile. She finally started to come around. She finally admitted that both her and her mom had made “mistakes”. That was enough to me to start seeing that we just may get fixed, by fixing together.
She point blank refused to hold her mother accountable for anything. She avoided and deflected the topic everytime I brought it up. Again, it mattered to me and that should of meant something. But Rder does what Reder wants to do, regardless of the catostrophic effects it has on others. Even those she claims are important to her.
Another issue I had was that now, she video chatted with her crazy mom everyday and Abby everyday. This was never the case before. She would video chat with her mom maybe weekly before. And Abby almost never. So, the person who caused all of this was now her daily video chat. I asked Reder one time what was said about all of this with her parents. She said they did not even talk about it. That her mom said one time “I should never of come”. Like this was some way for people to now feel sorry for her mother or something. It is just so hard to explain in words because all of this has been so twisted.
I also found out that Reder was now getting monthly deposits from her mother. That’s right, again, the one that caused all of this was now subsidizing her income after completely destroying her son’s father. And Reder happily took these monthly payments. She actually tried to blame me, saying that now that I was not around she needed the money to help pay E-Man’s child care. All of this made me angry and speechless. It was like I was stepping into a foriegn world. Reder was just no longer the person I knew, the person I had met, the person I had known for three years. She even said that she was now “a different person”
We did go out to dinner alone once. The nanny came in and watched E-Man for a little while. I think that is when things really started to improve. I could see in her eyes that she was beginning to realize what had happened, the hurt and the pain her and her mother had caused. How life would never be the same. She even said as we walked back from dinner that she could see how everything looked by looking at it from someone else’s point of view. But this would not last long. For a brief moment in history though I thought we were going to make it.
Keep in mind, during this time of getting back together, I was up with E-Man almost every morning before the sun came up. I would always make breakfast, with E-Man helping out. I would always bring Reder hot tea in bed, watch E-Man so she could sleep in some and would almost always get back in time in the evening to make dinner for her. Most nights of the week, Reder would come home to dinner already made and waiting on her. I did not do this to brag about it later, I did it because I wanted to, because I enjoyed it. I wanted Reder to know that we were a team because I felt that was important. Despite our problems and differences.
HOW IT ENDED FOR GOOD
In the beginning of the New Year about 4 months after we attempted to get back together, things had finally started to quiet down. The arguing had mainly subsided and we, I feel were finally able to begin the healing process. It had been a long several months.
Reder announced that she had been looking for jobs in another state, that she wanted to leave her current position and do something else. She had applied to several jobs. I was unaware she had done this, we had not talked about it. She pretty much just stated it.
She received an interview request four states away. She flew up on a Friday for the interview. I asked her if she had applied to other states, she said no. This just so happened to be the same exact city and state that Abby and Josh reside. Imagine that. This is the same person who tried to recruit her just weeks after we first separated. I would stay behind that day and watch E-Man to be sure there was no nanny expense, as usual.
A few weeks later she received a call and was offered the position. She called me to tell me. Bu tthere was no real discussion on whether or no t she should take it. I could tell in her voice she had already made the decission. What’s new with Reder. This was her world, I was just living in it. Keep in mind, when we first met, she swore she would never live in a suburb, just majot cities. I needed this reasurance for my own career, one that was stalled out knowing Reder.
She then asked if I would move with her, that she wanted us to move together, as a family, as a unit. I agreed. But we would not make it that far. As I had mentioned in the beginning of this story, I had a son who was 13 from a previous relationship. Unfortunately there was not much contact with him for several reasons, none of which will be discussed here because its not the topic of this story. But I will say it was not because of my doing.
The last time I saw Reder was March 11th. I was heading out of the door to go work, we kissed each other good bye. I did it in a funny way as trying to be a little comical because that is just my personality. I walked out, shut the door and headed toward the subway 6 blocks away to go downtown.
About 7 years prior, I had been nearly shot to death in a street robbery in a majot city. I was shot twice in the upper face, at point blank range and was out of work in recovery for 18 months. My heart actually stopped beating twice in the ambulance. But I pulled through. Well, during this time I had fallen behind on my child support obligation of $1107.00 per month. Apparently there had been a warrant out for my arrest for five years that I was un-aware of for civil contempt of court.
On March 11th, I was coming off of the subway heading home. I had a bottle of wine. My plan was to send the nanny home early, put E-Man to bed, cook dinner and wait for Reder to have kind of a date night at home. I never made it. My card did not register going through the turnstyle to exit. I was stopped by the transit police and issued a $50.00 ticket. During this process the ticketing officer ran my name. I was arrested on this civil warrant for failing to pay child support.
Long story short, I called Reder and told her that I was being arrested, was transported to the city jail and held for 3 days before being sent to the city of the outstanding warrant. Again, this was not a crime, it was a civil contempt of court order that was breached.
I remember talking to Reder before I was sent to the second city to go to court and she was so reassuring. She said she loved me and I quote “let’s just get you out of there and we can worry about the rest later”. A few days later, I called her from the city IO was sent to and her demeanor had completely flipped. I told her the amount needed for me to be released. The way it works is that you are held until you pay the amopunt owed and then released. I could tell in her voice something was different. Like she had been influenced to leave me in there. I directly asked her if she was still going to get me out. She then stated that it was my fault I was in there and that she was not going to help. Keep in mind that during the last nearly 2 1/2 years how much my career had suffered making sure she always got to work on time and that we kept the expense down for child care with E-Man by missing sometimes weeks of work straight, making it nearly impossible for me to get my company off the ground.
Reder swore she had not told any of her friends. Verbatum “do you think I want my friends to know your in jail?”. Yet on a follow up call a few days later she would admit that her friends did know. She specifically stated Tom’s name. So, she had once again been dishonest. I did not want anyone to know to save the embarrassment. But who am I, right.
Bottom line, the tab to get me home was $8500.00. Reder would leave me there. I was ordered to pay $8500.00 or spend 365 days in jail. I could be released immediately upon payment of the $8500.00.
My mother is working class, she did not have that kind of money and I did not want to involve my friends, although later on the got involved. Rder, packed up her and Ethan, lfet a few boxes of my personal belongings on the landing at our apartment for one of my frineds to pick up and moved four states away to her new job and Abby and Josh. She took several belongings of mine like large canvass paintings in our hallway that were given to me by my mother, my grannies John Wayne dvd collection and one of my antique beer mirrors, leaving me the broken one. Again, she left me the trash and just took whatever she wanted.
In the end, I was not even worth $8500.00. The money was available too. I know this for a fact. Through current open credit lines, credit cards, savings accounts and 401K’s. I could of been hme the next day. Ariela Reder told me she was a different person now. I finally told her we were over and I never wanted to hear from her again. I remember on on of the last calls we ever shared, one of the last times I heard her voice, I asked her a question. “Would Abby leave Josh in jail over $8500.00”. Her response verbatum “You are no Josh”.
About four months later I received a “dear john” letter in the mail. The letter was postmarked with her new city stamp from the post office but with no return address. It pretty much said that we were over the day I moved out to work on my company, she was refering to the date of the original separation that I spoke about in the beginning of this story. The separation had nothing to do with my company. But this was her way of dismissing everything that had happened, everything her and her mother and sisiter did. She was saying that since I moved out that notjhing else mattered. It was such pathetic horseshit and so sad.
I lost everything. I still had my apartment in Brooklyn that I lost along with every belonging I owned, everything. Let me tell you what I had before I met Reder 3 1/2 years prior. I had a beautiful $1800.00 per month apartment in an historic section of DC. I had belongings, a great job and my freedom. After knowing her I was left with nothing. Everything was gone. Reder even knew my mothers address and did not even bother to change my address with the post office. My mail is still going to our old address.
I cannot even begin to explain what I lost professionally. But none of this matters, the only thing that mattered was that Reder got exactly what Reder wanted. I have never met a more selfish, smug, dishonest or arrogant person in my entire existance on this planet.
Luckily, I was able to get work release and after several months, I was able to secure my own freedom, get released and move back to DC. But I had nothin. I had to completely rebuild my life from scratch. But I never saw or heard from Reder again, or my son.
I do not know where my son is, his address, what school he goes to, who he is around, who his influencers are and who his caretakers are or anything about him. I don’t even know if he is dead or alive. It has been nearly 8 months as of today since I have seen my son. And it will probably be 15 more years before I see him again. I guess he is up north tagging around with Josh and his children so he can have a father figure forced upon him. Kinda blows becuase he had a great father to begin with. But I guess now Reder can choose any man to be E-Man’s new father.
There is not much I want to say here as I feel I have said enough. There was much more I could of written about but what’s the point. I do want direct this last part to Ariela Reder directly. Reder, I lost who I was as a person knowing you. I put myself on the back burner to be there every step of the way for you and E-Man until you tossed me in the garbage 110 times. Writing this has allowed me not just to see what pure hell I went through knowing you but see who you really are as a person, both you, Tamar Reder and your sister, Galia Becker. Penning this Op/Ed made me realize in so many ways that I can now finally, move on with my life, guilt free. This was such a release.
I can only imagine the things said about me by you and your friends, things no where near true just so you could convince yourself what you did was right. Reder, I have news for you, it wasn’t. Not in any form or fashion but you know this. You convinced yourself what you did was right so you could do what you wanted, not because it was right. You are in everyway wrong but you know that too. You are whats wrong with this world. The fact that you have a position in society that you have, makes me shake my head. Like a lot of things with you. I will never know what was said about me because you will never tell, I think you’ re a coward. You would rather go on living a fucked up lie then come clean. But like everything in life, I promise, this will catch up with you. You will be held accountable for what you have done. It’s just the law of the universe.
You no longer have any power over myself or my emotions. You finally have exactly what you wanted all along, a child and the coveted single mom victim status. You now have the attention and pity you so crave. For those that do not know you that is the case, congrats. However, for the ones that do know you, I promise you are pitied for an entirely different reason. I will not chase my son all over the country and beg you to see him. I should not have to do that and that was never the deal. But what are deals to you, right? You say what you gotta say to get what you wanna get. This is your world, I was just in it long enough for you to get what you needed from me and then, once again, disgarded like trash on a Sunday night. I bet you have done this to other men too.
From the experience I had with Ariela Reder, Tamar Reder and Galia Becker, I can honestly say that I have never met more dishonest, arrogant, smug, malicious people in my entire life. This trio cannot even be honest with themselves and are masters at playing victim cards. Ariela Reder, you took a good guy and an amazing father and you simply terrorized his life and used him for nothing more than selfish gain. I wonder if you did something similiar to the 20 plus other men that you had blocked on Facebook the day you tried to prove you had not blocked me by pulling up your blacklist. Of course, I was on it along with all the other men. Funny thing about that list, there was not one woman on it. If you did not block me, who did?
By writing this, it has not just helped me move on with life after Ariela Reder and her family but I hope it some way it may help other fathers who have been through similiar situations or maybe make other mothers realize that maybe they should not do what the Reder’s did to me and the damage to peoples lives it causes.
Isn’t it funny that when people do really twisted things to others, they hide under a vail of victimhood to mask the true acts. Or when something is done horrible to someone else, the people that do the deed then get angry when the other person has finally had enough and speaks up. Like he is somehow in the wrong for speaking up, not the acts in which occured or the people that did them.
Ariela Reder, one day you are going to mentally and emotionally implode. Not from what others have done to you but from what you have done to others. I promise you, you are not the “elitist” you try so hard to make people believe you are, you are anything but. Getting involved with you was like making a deal with the devil. You better tell a lot of lies to E-Man, because one day, he will know the truth. That day, will not be a good one for you. And it will come…
Stay classy Dr. Ariela Reder!
October 18th, 2019